At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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