Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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