Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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