You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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