I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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