I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
