So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i will never coherently bang her
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
