I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
did you just send me my own nude
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
