finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
