I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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