I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
The power of my boobs compel you
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
