she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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