i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
We need to rekindle our bromance
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
