Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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