I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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