Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
