What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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