so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
