Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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