if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
