hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
