first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
