Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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