I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
