He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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