my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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