It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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