I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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