I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
