There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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