u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
