its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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