Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
