i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
