If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I wish they made helmets for livers.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
