Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
