..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
