i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Dicks are not precious.
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