I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
