I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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