When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
