god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Randomize
