so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
