I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
