dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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