You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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