take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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