This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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