Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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