I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Randomize
